Funny Story

Here is a cute, short story I got in an email from a friend of mine that often send me jokes.

 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around and return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
  

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her... 

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Crashed Trike

One week ago yesterday I was in a Motor Vehicle Accident & my trike was totaled.  I was driving through town (smallish city), just returning from a most wonderful ride on my trike.  I am going to copy/paste part of something I wrote to my fellow members/friends of the BC Classic Motorcycle Club.

On Friday I went for a beautiful ride to Westbank.  My friend Tuggy was going down to visit Gloria, ex-wife #2 and still a good friend.  He invited me to ride along & meet Glo.  He was hoping to take her for her last ride.  Glo used to ride her own very nice bike... now she has ALS, a nasty disease that will take her life, yet she is still so possitive & upbeat... a lady to truly admire.  Glo had an awesome pair of custom made chaps.  They fit me perfectly & she gave them to me.  What an awesome gift for which I am so grateful.

After having lunch with Glo, Tuggy (drove a tug boat for many years, thus the name) & I left there about 3pm, stopped @ Princess Auto for a couple minutes then headed home.  Got to our city and as we came down hospital hill I was in the lead. We were north bound, lots of other traffic around, but the immediate lane in front of me was clear.... then it wasn't.  A blue car heading south made a left turn right in front of me.  There was no chance to stop.  I T-boned her, then flew off the trike hitting the car with my body.  The next moment of awareness, I was on the ground holding my left wrist, knowing it was broken.  I saw one of the trike mirrors laying not far away & glass (from the car?? did my body break the passenger side windows??).  I looked up & saw another car at the stop sign with damage to the driver's door. The blue car that caused all the trouble was stopped a ways down the side street & the slim blond was walking back, saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  My "inner biker" came out to protect me and said some not very pretty F-words to her.  (I would now kind of like to apologize  for being 'nasty', tho at the time it was some kind of survival mechanism kicking in.)

Several real nice people stopped to look after me, then firemen came... ambulance... cops.  A fireman went to check my helmet that had by this time been taken off me... to see what head trauma there may have been.  Later Tug told me a cop also checked my helmet... for DOT (Department Of Transport approved).  Good thing I bought a good new DOT helmet this spring. 

I was taken to Hospital by ambulance.  They had hoped to get me into the OR Friday night but got a bigger emergency in so I had surgery about 10am Saturday.  They had to reconstruct my left wrist, putting in a metal plate & 9 screws to hold it all together.  Dang, I can think of better ways for a gal to get new jewelry!!!  I was released from hospital sometime around 11am today (Sunday).

 Yes, I was paying attention to my riding, not to men's running shorts or short men running or men running in shorts or any other scenario, and still I had no time to do anything but hit her. 

I know I am blessed to be alive and with just a shattered wrist.

Limericks

There once was a dog named Acnetix
Who liked to do silly doggy tricks
Lord only knows
How he fell on his nose
Now about him we're writing these limericks.


There once was a very smart dog
Who had her very own blog
She went to the park
One day on a lark
Then, tired, she slept like a log.


Arf, arf, arf!!! I think I'll become the first dog poet. Bark! I hope the second one is about me tomorrow, depends on if it's raining or not cuz Ma doesn't take me walking in the rain.

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))) 3 Woof Thursday (((

3 Woof Thursday #12

Each week, Quilly gives us three antediluvian words to write into a story. We have to find these endagered words on the internet to find their meanings so we can use 'em properly. This week's words are:

paladin, intransigent, & invidious

Paladin was a big, handsome, male Rottweiler. He had been given that name as a pup, already displaying his protective, yet loving nature. He would grow up to be equivalent to a Knight in Shining Armor. He had a very kind and agreeable nature so long as everyone was nice to his human, and yet he was quite intransigent when it came to some things. He believed in keeping his human safe from all possible and perceived threats, keeping all invidious and dangerous people a safe distance away, and there was just no changing his mind on this. This dog did not need an lcd monitor or a computer to research and discover if his human was in danger, he just listened to his instincts. Loud voices, or even sometimes a smell, or just the vibrations that the person was putting out was enough to tell Paladin what people were like and if they could be trusted. Paladin was a dog that lived be instinct, and he was good at it.

Fur anyone who wants to know... no this is not me. I found the pikture on the internet at Google Images. He is handsome though, don't you think?

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3 Woof Thursday

3 Woof Thursday #11

Each week, Quilly gives us three antediluvian words to write into a story. We have to find these endagered words on the internet to find their meanings so we can use 'em properly. This week's words are:

antediluvian: /ˌæntidɪˈluviən/ Show Spelled Pronunc[an-tee-di-loo-vee-uhn]

–adjective

1.	of or belonging to the period before the Flood. Gen. 7, 8.

2.	very old, old-fashioned, or out of date; antiquated; primitive: antediluvian ideas.

–noun

3.	a person who lived before the Flood.

4.	a very old or old-fashioned person or thing.

prolix: /proʊˈlɪks, ˈproʊlɪks/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [proh-liks, proh-liks]

–adjective

1.	extended to great, unnecessary, or tedious length; long and wordy.

2.	(of a person) given to speaking or writing at great or tedious length.

ineluctable:/ˌɪnɪˈlʌktəbəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-i-luhk-tuh-buhl] –adjective
incapable of being evaded; inescapable: an ineluctable destiny.


The truth of the matter is that some things in life are just plane ineluctable. It is because of some of those things that I think it's a good idea fur me to get an insurance quote, fur protecting my dog house from disaster. Being a dog, I don't want to have to read the prolix forms involved with the insurance, so I'll just get the people to tell me what the bottom line is. What is the cost (give it to me in dog cookies cuz I don't understand dollars and cents)? What will my dog house be covered fur? Fire? Theft? Wind? Rain? Snow damage if the roof caves in? Vandalism? Give me all de-tails about the fine print. My dog house is not new, I got it when I was a pup, so it's close to 10 years old now (Mom 'Bean bought it fur me at the auction in spring 1999), and it's not yet antediluvian either. It needs a new roof, and Mom will put one on this spring, so I think it's a good time to think about how to properly protect my house. Of course, I live inside Mom's house woof her & the rest of the critters most of the time, though I lived out in my dog house all the time in my pup years, and still go out there every day fur hours at a time fur fresh air, peace & quiet... oh and to go potty.

Quivel & Qiku

Dr. John came up with the idea (Quilly + drivel), and he says: Remember to write quivel you must write something that looks like a poem, any style , but is so bad that if it was printed in a book of poetry a true poetic zoilist would tear it out and burn it. What looks like bad haiku is really qiku where the middle line must always contain a Quilly word.


It's time fur my doggy nap
No time fur prolix crap.
Doggy naps are ineluctable
Though the time is somewhat selectible.
I'm a Rottweiler, not Paruvian,
And don't dare say I'm antediluvian!


rotti
ineluctable
potty

... gotta go!!

The Week Twelve words will be: paladin, intransigent, & invidious

A Frog Story

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a frog who was more than your average frog. It was a magic frog that on the day & night of a full moon would change into a human man. No, not a prince, far from that in fact, he just an average man. Well, maybe average is not the right word for a man who is just a man for 24 hours each month, and a frog for the rest of the month. However, this man, Fred, cared a lot about his family and friends, so during his one day as a human he did his best to look after them. He was able to get the pond they all lived in declared a sanctuary due to the fact that they were a rare and endangered species of frogs. This meant that they habitat would never be disturbed now, so long as there was so much as one from living there, and that the local children were no longer allowed to collect frogs eggs or capture the tadpoles from that pond. The only thing that Fred had not been able to do was to find affordable life insurance for the frogs in this pond, or any other frogs either for that matter. In all the history of the world, no frog had ever been able to have life insurance of any kind, but of course, Fred planned to get it as a human, so in order for it to be paid out one day, his death would have to take place when he was in human form. Fred had much work left to do, and had no plans to die any time soon, but one never knows what could happen so Fred thought it better safe than sorry. One of the things Fred had planned was to set up a non-profit organization to protect the frog pond for many generations to come, both human and frog generations. Fred's plans also included getting that life insurance once the Frog Foundation was set up, and he would put the Frog Foundation as the beneficiary. Yes, Fred Frog had a mission, and a frog with a mission is something to behold.

3 Woof Thursday

3 Woof Thursday #7

Each week, Quilly gives us 3 woof, errrr, words, to write a store woof. This week's words are:
bacchante, queachy, & jibber.
What do they mean? Just click on the ones in the story below to go to their definitions. You kin even go visit Quilly (the inventor of this meme) and other players but not til you finish here.


Flo sat watching the news on her TV. Hearing that 22 people have died snowmobiling so far this season should have upset her, after all, her fiance had been one of them, but she was too drunk for it all to register for her. Since Jack's accident, she'd pretty much been acting like a bacchante. Each morning as she woke with a hangover, she would tell herself she had to stop this kind of behavior, then by noon the pain was too much for her and she'd have just one... then just one more, until she was blottoed and the pain of loss was gone for now. She knew no other way to make the hurting stop.

Jack and Flob were planning to be married on his snowmobile, then just one week before the big wedding he was suddenly gone. Flo's entire world had gone queachy, and didn't seem to want to stop.

One morning in early April, shortly before noon, Flo was just pouring her first drink of the day when the door bell rang. She ignored it at first, but when it didn't stop being rung, she finally decided to answer the door. She couldn't stand that nasty ringing with the headache she had this morning. Opening the door she found, standing there, Jerry. He was Jack's older brother and she hadn't seen him since the funeral 3 months earlier.

"Hi Flo. Can I come in?" he greeted her with a serious look on his face.

"Well, I was just about to ..." Flo started to make an excuse for not letting him in, wanting him to just go away. She needed that drink even more now than she had a minute ago... and the one after it too, but Jerry wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Flo, I made Jack a promise one day and I mean to keep that promise. Come on, lets go sit down and talk," he insisted.

Knowing Jerry, Flo knew there was no way he was about to go away, she knew she had no choice but to let him in. She offered him a cup of coffee which he declined. "I hope you don't mind if I have the cup of tea I was just about to pour," Flo said, then slipped into the kitchen and poured her drink into a coffee cup. She took a drink and suddenly felt a bit better, then another long drink. She topped up the cup and returned to the living room to face Jerry.

"One day, Jack and I were talking about what we would want when/if we died."

"I don't want to hear this, Jerry," Flow complained.

"Well, you are going to hear it, Flo. I made a promise to my brother and, like I said, I'm going to keep that promise. He made me promise that if he went, I'd look after you, make sure you were okay," Jerry went on.

"I'm fine, Jerry, I just want the pain to stop. I just want to get on with my life," Flo lied.

"If you believe that, Flo, you're worse off than I thought. Lying to yourself and believing it is pretty sad. I know what you have been doing since Jack's death. That's why I traveled all the way back here to come see you. I've heard from several people that are worried about you, so I know you've been staying home and ordering booze delivered. I know you do nothing but drink and cry. That's not okay, and that is NOT how Jack would have wanted you to live life."

The conversation went on and on, with Jerry doing most of the talking until finally Flo admitted to the truth, she confessed how she had been feeling and drinking out of control. She agreed to go for help, but only if Jerry would take her and stay there with her, at least for the first time. Jerry gave her the business card of a good grief therapist, given to him by a friend he trusted. He had already talked to the woman and felt she would be a good match for Flo. He thought of Flo as a member of the family, and always would, even though the wedding had never happened, and he knew this was what Jack would want.

Two days later, as they walked into the therapist's office, Flo suddenly felt the fear, she felt should couldn't go in, like the roof would fall in on her if she did. She started to jibber, nearly knocking over the beautiful table lamps sitting on the nearby end table. Jerry put his arm around her shoulder, giving her physical support, holding her together it seemed, as he whispered in her ear, "It's okay, little sister, I'm right here with you, and so is Jack. He's here supporting you in every way he can."

Flo looked up into Jerry's eyes, so much like Jack's blue eyes had been, and she knew that she was doing the right thing coming here. She knew that indeed Jack was here with her, wanting her to be okay. She smiled up at Jerry, turned, and stepped into the inner office, ready to take the first step in recovery.



Don't clap, just throw doggy cookies, arf arf arf.

The Week Eight words will be: propinquity; susurrus; nescience

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Three Word Thursday

3 Woof Thursday

Wow, this week went real fast, and it's already time fur Quilly's word game.

The Week Six words will be:
sternutation - /ˌstɜrnyəˈteɪʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [stur-nyuh-tey-shuhn] - noun; the act of sneezing... A sneeze. {Dictionary.com}
zoilist - A rude, nasty, or dishonest critic that enjoys finding faults in others. {Yahoo Answers}
anopisthograph - [an-uh-pis-thuh-graf, -grahf] - noun; a manuscript, parchment, or book having writing on only one side of the leaves. {Dictionary.com}


Frank hurried out to buy a paper before he even ate breakfast. He could eat later, but first he had to get to the ads for jobs he might be able to apply for. He had been out of work since the company he worked for had been hit by cutbacks, nearly 6 months ago now, and he was nearly desperate to find work. One ad he read was for programming jobs, and he had some experience in this area. That had been part of his job at the company he'd worked for before.

Frank grabbed his toast as it popped up, spread some peanut butter on it and took a bite as he grabbed his jacket and keys, heading out the door. The ad had given an address where to go to apply for this job and Frank wanted to be there early, to beat the rush.

With luck on his side, Frank was the 4th in line when the door was opened. They were invited to be seated in the front office, then one by one were taken into the inner office for their interviews. Frank produced his resume from the inner pocket of his jacket, handing it to the interviewer, and from there things seemed to go down hill. The guy was obviously a zoilist, finding and expressing fault in everything from the crease in the resume to the size and style of font, and to the lack of experience Frank had in this area. He even complained that the resume was anopisthograph, a waste of paper he said.

When Frank let out a sudden and explosive sternutation, he just knew he had blown the job. He stood up, beginning to thank the man for the interview, only to be cut off. "Now, wait a minute, Frank," the interviewer said, "where are you off to in such a hurry? You don't have enough experience in programming for the available job, but I like the rest of your resume. I have another job that I think will be perfect for you. It not only is what most of your experience is in, but also it's one of the hobbies you have listed here. Sit back down and we'll talk about it."

That is when Frank realized he had been judging the man negatively. He remembered that you should not judge people, and look to find the good in everyone. "As you judged you will be judged." Wow, this had turned out to be one very productive morning. A new job and a good lesson in life too. You can't ask for more than that.


Now, if I was you, I'd leave me some very kind words and some doggy cookies... then go visit other people that write stories fur Quilly's 3 Woof Thursday.

A Dog Story Fur You

The man sat at his desk, deeply concentrating on the paper work he was doing. Read, sign at the bottom, then stamp it with a custom rubber stamp to verify all was done, and that it was done by him. It was a time consuming job, and not the most exciting work one could do, yet it fed his family and that is all Frank concerned himself with just now. It was the middle of a depression era and one had to be grateful just to be able to put food on the table.

It had all started with a crash on Wall Street, then the government bail outs of banks, then of automobile manufacturers. From there, things had gotten worse. During the 'Dirty Thirties' people at least had home grown vegetables and other foods like chickens, but now in the 21st century, a vast number of people no longer had any idea how to grow their own food. It was long since that towns and cities of all sizes had outlawed having a few chickens in your back yard to grow your own meat and eggs, all that had to be purchased at stores, grown in large factory type settings where none of it was as healthy as that grown in people's yards. It was also illegal to have a clothes line to hang your wet clothes out to dry. You had to use machines to do all that kind of thing, and machines use electricity which costs money... when you can get it. The supplies of all things like electricity and natural gas had dwindled. Frank knew it was not due so much as to shortages of this things, but to large companies supplying less as a way to make you pay more for it. The greedy ruled the world, it seemed, and had obviously caused the depression the whole world was now in.

3 Woof Thursday

3 Woof Thursday

Quilly has started a fun new challenge fur those of us that like to write. What is it about? We are given 3 rarely used, or old, outdated words to find the meanings fur and then use in a story.



Here are the 3 words fur this week:

hitonious:
A word, usually used in a humorous context, that means beyond horrid. Use it when something is horrid, hideous, and horrendous combined.
As an adjective: hitonious
As a noun: hitoniousness, hitoniosity
As an adverb: hitoniously
(Urban Dictionary)

teterrimous:
most foul
(Save the Words)

mellifluous:

1.	sweetly or smoothly flowing; sweet-sounding: a mellifluous voice; mellifluous tones.

2.	flowing with honey; sweetened with or as if with honey.

(Dictionary.com)


The pretty dog sat on the bank of the river, listening to the mellifluous sounds of the water running past, heading to where the dog knew not. She not only listened to the music of the water, but also watched the flow... watched even fur the chance of a good stick to float past, close enough fur a good dog to reach out and grab without getting into the current. On a day like today it would just bee too much work to go swimming in the current fur a stick.

The sounds combined with the movement of the water passing on a warm, sunny day soon had the god, dog nodding off, so close to sleep. That is when it happened! That is when this sharp and beautiful K9 saw the body floating in the current. It had obviously been in the water for some time and to humans it would be teterrimous, but not so to a dog. She took no time to think about insurance questions, she just knew she had to go into the current to pull the body out, to bring it up onto the bank. That is the way a dog works, functioning purely on instinct.

SPLASH!! In she went, swimming strongly out into the current, battling closer and closer to the floating body. Finally, she was close enough to reach out and grad a good hold with her teeth, hoping that the body would stay together as she fought to regain the shore. By this time, the dog and body had been washed down the river past where the dog had even swum before, but that didn't enter her mind, all she thought about was taking one breath after another as she paddled hard towards the shore with her teeth holding tightly to the body. Finally, she felt her feet touch something solid. Two steps and she was on shore where she let go her grip on the body and just lay beside it, taking one heaving breath after another as she bid hear heart to slow back down. It had been a pretty incredible work out. She lay in the sun for a time until she felt fully recovered from her ordeal, knowing she'd very nearly become nothing more than a body herself.

The dog now stood up, looking down on the body. Ah yes, it was truly hitonious, in looks and in smell... and to a dog that is just the way they like their like their groundhogs! This is one rodent that will never predict 6 more weeks of winter! She looked at it once again, then down she went to roll on it. Ahhhhh, there is a heaven, and it is right here on Earth.


WHoof!!! There ya go, another story fur you to read. Now you can go visit other people that played 3 Woof Thursday today.

3 Woof Thursday

Three Word Thursday

My blog friend, Quilly at Pacific Paradise, started a fun challenge called 3 Word Thursday (or 3 Woof Thursday if yur a dog like I am). Anyway, Quilly gives 3 weird words to use in a story, so you gotta find out what they mean, then write woof 'em.



Definitions of the 3 woofs fur this week (from Dictionary.com):

op⋅pro⋅bri⋅ous /əˈproʊbriəs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uh-proh-bree-uhs] –adjective

1 - conveying or expressing opprobrium, as language or a speaker: opprobrious invectives.
2 - outrageously disgraceful or shameful: opprobrious conduct.

quon⋅dam /ˈkwɒndəm, -dæm/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kwon-duhm, -dam] –adjective

former; onetime: his quondam partner.

ca·su·ist·ry (kāzh'ōō-ĭ-strē) n. pl. ca·su·ist·ries

1. Specious or excessively subtle reasoning intended to rationalize or mislead.
2. The determination of right and wrong in questions of conduct or conscience by analyzing cases that illustrate general ethical rules.

The woman returned from a few hours away from her home, in a good mood. She slipped her key into the lock, turned it, opened the door taking the key out of the lock as she stepped through into her once clean kitchen. Though she usually takes her dog with her when she goes out, Ecila had left the dog home this evening, thinking it best for her furry friend, and she was looking forward to the greeting she knew she would receive. Or at least, she thought she would receive that glorious greeting, and was shocked with what she did find instead. Aber had been very upset about being left behind, being tricked into staying inside while her Mom 'Bean went away woofout her. In response to the pain of her broken heart at being left behind, Aber (a very beautiful and good dog), committed what could be called opprobrious conduct. This conduct would have been upsetting enough on the quondam flooring, but on the newly installed laminate flooring throughout the kitchen and even into the living room, this despicable mess was all that much more of a distressing situation.

Just then, Aber, having awoken and crawled out of her bed to walk all the way down the hall to greet her hooman Mom, walked into the kitchen and saw the devistated look on Ecila's face. She knew she was in trouble.


Now, I don't mean to use casuistry excuses, but hey, if Mom, uhhhh, Ecila hadn't left her beloved pet at home woofout her then this wouldn't have happened. You should always take yur wonderful Woof woof you. And if you don't then you better hide the bag woof all the compost stuff in it or yur garbage cuz if you don't then it's yur fault when the dog gets into it and makes a big mess on yur nice new floors. You shouldn't punish yur pet by telling her she's bad and putting her outside in her dog run fur til you cool down. You shouldn't be upset about stuff like this in the first place. You should expect it... Oh ya, and bring a big treat home fur yur dog cuz I'm errr, Aber's a real good dog.


Now, it's yur chance to be good too. Just go on over to Quilly's place and find other particiapants of this game. You'll find a story at Mom's blog too, cuz she plays this every week.

Oh ya... leave me some of yur nice words before you go. Bark!!
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Grrrrr, it makes me experience frustrations when I tell this blog to do my letters in normal size and it does them in big. It won't listen to me, needs better training.
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